Candy Wrappers
by fudgeychan
Summary: Edward decides that Bella should be informed of his talent.
1. Chapter 1

The long and lavishly beautiful glorious day was reaching its peak. Bella Swan, a high school girl, sat in her seat in biology class, right next to the beautiful gorgeous Edward Cullen. His hair, bronze in color, shone as if it was on a perfect, sculpted angel. His face did not betray the appearance that his hair gave. His face was strong, serious, and he was posed slightly like The Thinker. His perfectly beautiful palm was supporting his face, his eyes, slightly tainted gold from his thirst, closed without much effort.

Bella had been keeping his secret for a while, and that was why she noticed when the sun, which had broke through the usually stormy cloud cover of Forks, shone promptly on the crack of Edwards glorious, perfectly sculpted buttocks.

Bella could not help but stare. His skin, it looked as if a careful, withering old woman with careful fingers forged over many, many years of practice sewing her grandchildren those warm and socially scarring sweaters, had taken a needle to Edward's skin and weaved it slowly and carefully through the pores, etching permanently beautiful sparkling diamonds into the porcelain, yet strong skin.

It was then she remembered that others could see her beautiful future husband's butt and she grabbed his hand and promptly shoved him out the window, and no one in the classroom cared. Edward flipped onto the ground and the sun peaked.

"Edward, my love, you must get out of the sun!" Exclaimed an erratic Bella, as the brunette dragged Edward's hands and moved through the wind. The cold wind felt like a million velvet scarves being pressed to Bella's abdomen.

"Come, Bella, I shall carry you to our destination." Before Bella could open her mouth, she was lifted and flown to her house.

Charlie wasn't at home. The house was empty, and the clocks clicking made the air stiff and Bella became paranoid. She looked outside, watching as the green ferns blew in the wind.

Edward approached her from behind. Bella had to double take.

He was so breathtaking, and with the shades drawn up at the angle of which they were at, the sun shined on his skin so that those beautiful, fluorescent diamonds revealed themselves for Bella and Bella alone. He had removed all of his garments, and his body was just like what you would find in the most expensive museum, in the section that a little boy begs his tired mother to let him in but his mother will not allow him access, because it is far too adult for him.

"Bella, I have been wanting to show you this ability of mine for a long time. Here, have a candy. Please give me the wrapper when you are finished."

Bella lifted a pale, firm hand and encased it around the hot ball, unwrapping it and plopping the thing in her mouth. She revolved it around her tongue, enjoying it. She returned the wrapper to Edward and he dropped it on the floor.

"Edward, my love, why did you drop that?" He held up a finger to silence her.

The air was filled with that music that plays in those romantic movies, when the hero and the heroine finally reunite and go at it in the hotel room. Edward squatted down, and with a pained expression his shining butt cheeks opened and he sat upon the wrapper. When he stood, Bella observed that the candy wrapper was firmly held in between his butt cheeks. Bella was captivated.

With much effort, Edward strode over towards the trashcan. He radiated so brilliantly, with moisture sticking to his face and on his firm chest. He opened the lid and handed it to his long time partner, who observed the lid as if it had come from Johnny Depp. Edward crouched and opened his butt, and the wrapper drifted slowly, slowly, slowly...

Off the rim and onto the floor.

With a movement so fast that even Bella did not see, Edward bent down and chucked the wrapper into to trash. Bella gaped at her personal Adonis.

And then Bella passed out and into a coma from his sheer beauty.


	2. All the Time in the World

Two years later, Bella awoke from her coma.

As her beautiful sparkling eyes fluttered open like a princess, her knight in shining armor; Edward, loomed over her. His face was scrunched up in disgust

"The human is alive." He mentioned disappointedly to his chiwawa that he bought a year ago named Poopan. Bella gasped and tried to fling her stunning self out of the uncomfortable hospital bed like the damsel in distress did in the heart-wrenching romantic scenes in the movies. However, she was unaware that she was still connected to an IV drip and tons of other unidentifiable tubes still attached to her tender body. They tore out of her skin immediately as she jumped. She screamed in agonizing pain as she crashed face first onto the cold, linoleum floor.

"Bella!" Her eternally gorgeous future husband squatted onto the ground like a crab to assist her, stepping on her fingers in the process. He reached out to help her up, however he immediately noticed that her radiant, shiny hair was touching the slightly unsanitary ground.

"Ugh, Bella!" He scolded. "That's disgusting. Your hair is tainted."

The impossibly handsome Edward brought his hands up slowly, forming pincher claws, his face turning as serious as the grave. He scuttled out of the room like a crab would walk, leaving Bella to flop around on the floor in pain aimlessly. He returned a few minutes later, with a razor in his pale, perfectly sculpted hands.

"LET EDDIE-POO SHAVE YOUR HEAD." He screamed, leaping violently across the room and landing on Bella with an unhealthy amount of force, sending them crashing through the second floor. Edward was unharmed by the impact, however Bella suffered a few scrapes, but not enough to kill her because that would decrease the sale ratings of this fanfiction. Being the attentive significant other he was, the sexy Cullen stood up and positioned himself into a despaired pose, his chiwawa floating down from the floor above and landing softly on his glutes.

"I told you I was dangerous." He squeezed his butt cheeks together, causing Poopan to rocket into space. "This relationship cannot happen."

Bella immediately shot up from beneath the rubble, her feminine form covered in bits of plaster.

"YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME, I'LL DIE WITHOUT YOUR NURTURE." Her eyelids shrunk into slits as her nostrils flared up with the power of ten fresh babies.

Edward nodded in complete understanding. He put on his rainbow colored wig with bows and flexed every part of his body at the same time.

"The Volturi are plotting to kill you, Bellamus. We must find the base and destroy it." He ripped a dragonfly in half and handed the carcass to his temptress girlfriend.

"Here, consume this morsel and you shall fly with me to New York."

Bella complied, sticking the bug in her mouth and chewing thoughtfully. As the guts began to slowly slip down her throat, she began to lift off the ground. Edward grabbed her hair, and they flew together as one. Bella was wearing a beautiful flowing skirt, which the wind lifted up as they flew, completely exposing her lacy Ninja Turtle panties.

They gracefully descended onto the ground, in front of a large brick building. The bricks looked like they had been paved to perfection, the color was just the right shade of red. They seemed as though they were in complete harmony.

"This is the building." Edward stated. He lifted his hands into the air, forming O.K. signs with his fingers while he rolled his pelvis around with the beat of an unheard melody. Suddenly, he passionately thrust his pelvis into the building, causing it the shake. Everyone in the brick building had been successfully murdered.

"We did it, my love!" Bella clapped and smacked Edwards butt. The male clenched his fists, his face turning red from enragement. During his offended anger, he accidentally farted juicily.


	3. A tearjurking trilogy

Disclaimer: yes. I own twilight.

Edward and Bella left the utter destruction that was once a building, and flew back to the Cullen abode. Edward flung the door open, and the wood thing flung on its hinges, before it broke off and collapsed backwards onto Bella. Bella was knocked down, flailing underneath the oak wood of the pristine door.

Carlisle gave his son a glare and folded his sparkling arms, for the door had opened to let a stream of bright yellow sunlight inside.

"Edward, my home G, the Volturi are pissed wit you." Carlisle said in his gangster voice. His wife gently tapped his arm.

"Don't talk like that. Edward, the Volturi are FURIOUS! HOW DARE YOU DESTROY THE VOTURIS' DECOY!" Esme snapped. Edward gasped, held his hand to his face, and stood heroically, letting his hair billow in the nonexistent wind.

"I KNOW HOW TO SOLVE THIS DILEMMA!" Edward exclaimed. "I am going to become the president of the United States of America!"

Bella stood from the doors remains and she wrapped her arms around Edward, of which he promptly shook off.

"Edward nooo! How can you do this without thinking!"

"Bellamus, I have thought." Edward ripped off his garments and strode around the room, sparkling. His family sat on the couch and turned on the television as the president gave a speech about health care.

"I have thought long, and hard."

"I'll say." Bella whispered, her eyes darting from Edward's face to his….

Edward hadn't noticed. "I think it is in our best interests to do this, my love. Not only can we get an attack set on the Volturi, we can also better America!"

Suddenly, the curly haired brother of Edwards shot up.

"EDWARD. I WILL HELP YOU."

"WE WILL SET UP A RUNNING PLAN!" Edward exclaimed. Bella stood and swayed her hips around like a hula dancer. Edward grabbed a red, white and blue speedo and slipped it on. Bella ran out of the door. They were off to run.

"ATTENTION FOOLSH MORTALS." Edward billowed. All the humans in the audience turned up. Edward cleared his throat, and looked at a young woman.

"You look like you could use some candy, ma'am." he said, pulling a hot ball out of his…pants. The pocket, of course, you pervert. "Here, please enjoy my ball. Give me the wrapper afterward."

The woman took the ball and ate it, then returned the wrapper to Edward.

"THIS IS WHY I AM SUITED TO BE PRESIDENT. Bellamus?" Edward said. Bella took a golden painted trash can and placed it on the stage. Then, Edward promptly disrobed.

The audience gasped. One man fainted. A woman foamed at the mouth and attacked a tree, thinking it was her ex-husband. Edward held his hands up for silence, posed like superman.

"This is my talent." He said. He sat down upon the wrapper, which he had placed on the floor. A bit of moving later, and after a pained cry, did Edward stand up and slowly walk towards the trash can, wrapper in his butt crack. The mortals blinked. Bella fainted and Rosalie 'forgot' to catch her. Edward craned his gluteus maximus over the rim and dropped the wrapper into the bucket.

The mortals exchanged glances.

Edward smiled.

"I know you are all baffled. But I am a beautiful man, and I forgive your silence."

Bella woke up and ran to her Adonis.

"He's so considerate!" She said. Suddenly the billboard showing Edward's naked torso was shattered. The Volturi burst through, and they stood in front of the mortals. The clan glowed and sparkled in the sun which everyone seemed to forget was a dead giveaway to their vampire status.

Suddenly Bella ran out and tried to attack the Volturi. And then they all broke into dance to some obnoxious techno music remixed with Hannah Montana songs. The mortals clapped and cheered. Edward stole the spotlight and pelvic thrusted everyone in the spotlight off the stage, eventually leaving just him, butt naked, doing the disco.

_**BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE.**_


End file.
